Flipping the Script on Perfection

American culture has inundated human beings on what we need to be and achieve in order to be considered worthy. From movies like “Leave it to Beaver” which portrays the perfect family to magazines like “Shape” and “Men’s Health” that highlights men and women with the best bodies and what we need to do in order to be like them. We get this image that perfection is achievable and start to set high pillars of what we need in order to get there. This image of perfection can start with dreams of a marriage that is flawless, to having zero percent body fat, or landing the career that boost our ego out of this world. But what happens when we fall short to achieve these desirable goals that were imprinted in our minds? I’ve come to realize through the perception of perfection that it leaves me feeling like I won’t measure up. As much as I try to achieve the lofty goals set by society there is a gap between what I desire to be and who I really am. I believe deep down we crave connection; a truth that we aren’t alone in our frailties and failures but how do we get to that place of honesty. What if this ten letter word (vulnerable) was the key to tearing down the walls of perfectionism and bridged the gap between what culture tells us and who we really are? As we become more aware that perfectionism is an illusion it leaves us wanting to connect on a deeper level. The shield of perfection is going out the door and the power of positive vulnerability is on the rise, and this change in the way we view vulnerability is the gateway for deeper human connections.

Vulnerability is a research-based practice that helps people accept themselves and brings to light the roadblocks of perfection that can hold them back from being vulnerable. In her work of discovering what it means to be vulnerable, research professor, author, and speaker Brene Brown explains what her research has revealed about the concept of vulnerability. Brown states, “We get sucked into perfection for one simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us”, (Brene Brown, CNN). Perfection is the belief if we do the right thing, say the right thing, are beautiful enough, have it all together, then we are able to avoid shame and judgment. Our current culture operates on this model. We unconsciously are trying to keep up with the Jones’s. Take for instance Instagram. We typically post the best candid photo of ourselves to show off how good we look. When on the inside we may be unsatisfied with who we are but instead of saying that we crave for connection and love we rather post the perfect photo to get the like button on our social media screen. There’s a constant demand that we feel to highlight our life on social media but it has set up an unrealistic and unattainable mirage of what life really looks like. The hard truth is that the photos and the things we have acquired are only masking our true selves. It’s safer for us to create a story of what we want our life to look like compared to what it really is. The perception of perfection keeps our hearts locked away from actually being seen or loved in fear of judgement or rejection; it keeps us safe from the pain that might come if we are honest about who we are and what we need. Vulnerability helps us cut through the noise of our fears by helping us move from “What will people think” to “I am enough” (Brown). In the article, “Want to be Happy? Stop Trying to be Perfect”, Brown points out that a deep sense of love and belonging is the core need that we need in order to function through the good and the bad. The capacity to be vulnerable is to love ourselves despite our flaws which gives us the courage and skills to allow other people to be authentic with their stories and embrace acceptance.

We are also learning that vulnerability gives us access to depth in the area of romantic relationships which is one of the most significant forms of connection in people’s lives. In relationships we have lost the ability to be honest about our life experiences and failures. Our cultural instincts taught us to mask when our feelings are hurt in order to keep a perception that we aren’t needy. Often times we have thoughts that our feelings are insignificant and in order to keep the peace in the relationship we keep silent. The thoughts associated with being fully transparent are usually numbed by fears but this is where Brown’s research turns the old concept of deploying fears to keep connection upside down by acknowledging what it takes to live in a more intimate relationship: “Courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. If we want to live and love with our whole hearts and engage in the world from a place of worthiness, our first step is practicing the courage it takes to own our stories and tell the truth about who we are” (Brown, CNN). This means having the courage to speak up when our feelings are hurt or to acknowledge when we need something from our partner. It’s being brave enough to take down the shield of protection to say what’s really on our heart. Vulnerability can bridge the gap between the stories we are telling ourselves vs what is reality. It’s willingly sharing our hearts desires even though we can’t predict or control the outcome but on the other side of risking to bare it all we know we will be okay. The capability to be honest allows for a deeper connection and invites us and our partner to love in a more intimate way by allowing ourselves to be really seen and heard for all that we are. “There can be no intimacy—emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy—without vulnerability,” said Brown. “One of the reasons there is such an intimacy deficit today is because we don’t know how to be vulnerable. It’s about being honest with how we feel, about our fears, about what we need, and, asking for what we need. Vulnerability is glue that holds intimate relationships together.”

Another reason why vulnerability increases the likelihood of connection is by allowing us to tap into the broad range of emotions which enables us to be more relatable. Brown’s extensive research on the topic of vulnerability started in 2006 and continued through the next six years focusing on how people were living wholeheartedly. Brown walked away with three things that were consistent with that quality of living: courage, compassion, and connection (Brown, 8:40 Ted Talk). “Vulnerability is not the enemy but rather it’s the birthplace for courage” (Brown, Dumbo). The people Brown interviewed over those six years were able to fully embrace vulnerability. They displayed the courage to accept their weaknesses and failures and believed it is the essence in enabling them to feel fully loved and worthy; by doing so it allowed others to come forward and embrace their stories. Her research shows that being vulnerable is not comfortable or has an easy answer with a perfect outcome but rather is the willingness to accept that things may or may not work out but you show up as your real self anyway. Brown observed that instead of fully embracing the unknown that the majority of us deflect the pain of not knowing or fearing failure: we numb ourselves. Instead of facing grief, loss, fear, disappointment she points out that we cover up those emotions with food, shopping, or anything that will keep us from actually feeling things we don’t want to. Brown insists that we can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions (Brown, 16:17 Ted Talk). By covering the hard emotions we lose out on the good emotions such as joy, happiness, and gratitude. Vulnerability will enable us to embrace the harder sider of emotions as well as opening our hands to receive love at the same time.

In addition to relationships and emotional depth, another thing we are learning is that vulnerability will increase connections in the arena of parents and children. The implications of perfectionism don’t just end with us but they are passed on to our children. In the TedX talk, “Power of Vulnerability”, Brown points out the dangerous effects that happen when we place unreal expectation of perfection on our kids. She points out that children are “hardwired for struggle” just like we are. Our job as parents is not to paint a fluffy story and to keep the child perfect by making sure they get the top position in a sport or into the best college but she argues that our job is to be honest with the struggle of life and that we are all imperfect but that we are still “worthy of love and belonging” (Brown, 17:53). This is such a cultural shift in America as we are constantly striving to reach perfection. The pressure we add to children by placing the perfect plans for them sets them up for a false reality and possibly even failure in the real world. Our kids will start to believe that life should be perfect and that hardship is unmanageable. Children also are keen observers and learn how to relate to themselves and other by modeling their parents. For example, if we had a parent that was critical, we might shut down in fear of rejection. We start to believe the internal message that we aren’t “good enough” or that we don’t “measure up”. As we grow older those voices get internalized as there is something inherently wrong with us. These beliefs cause us to shut down and sever our connection because we become unwilling to be vulnerable with others in fear of rejection. But in order to have a change in the way our culture works and how we influence the next generations, it will start with us owning our stories and becoming vulnerable with the reality that living a full life consists of hardship, loss, and grief but grounded in truth that we are still loved.

In a world where we are dying to be seen and heard for who we really are, vulnerability is the tool that will bring us freedom to fully live in connection with one another. Brown’s research provides us with insight on how to fully accept ourselves with compassion and find that at the core we are still loved and belonged. Once we let go of perfectionism and fully accept ourselves, then we are able to fully extend that compassion and love to others. We live in a messy world that can be unpredictable but I believe that the rise in vulnerability will have the power to change conversation in our communities and relationships. Vulnerability will help us let go of the shield of perfectionism and the rules on how people are supposed to look and enable us to accept others as they are and this will lead to deeper, meaningful connections.

Works Cited

Brown, Brene. “Want to Be Happy? Stop Trying to Be Perfect.” CNN, 1 Nov. 2010,

www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/11/01/give.up.perfection/index.html.

Brown, Brene. “Brené Brown on the Physics of Vulnerability.” Dumbo Feather, 2 Feb. 2016, www.dumbofeather.com/articles/brene-brown-on-the-physics-of-vulnerability/.

Brown, Brené., et al. TEDTalks : Brene Brown - The Power of Vulnerability. New York, N.Y., Films Media Group, 2010.

Whatley, Stuart. “Brene Brown: The Power Of Vulnerability.” The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 15 Dec. 2011, www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/15/brene-brown-vulnerability_n_1150976.thml